In an earlier blog post, I talked about helping children
through a divorce. Often, a divorce is compounded with new family members—blended
families—and that can bring up a host of new feelings and behaviors from
children.
As we know, elementary and middle-school aged children are
still developing the ability to understand and name feelings and associate
behaviors with those feelings. Some feelings children may be experiencing when
their families are blending with other families are fear, jealousy, confusion,
anger, or guilt.
Children often bring their feelings and reactive behaviors to
school with them. It’s much safer—in many children’s minds—to take out their
anger on those outside their families. They may feel if they express anger to
their parents, then their parents will stop loving them or disappear
completely. We can help them understand their feelings (and they are perfectly
normal!) and identify ways to express those feelings appropriately.
Here are a few things I’ve learned over my twenty-five + years
of experience that counselors can do to help students prepare for and work
through a new blended family situation.
1.
All feelings are normal. As in all experiences with
students who are going through intense challenges, it is important to help them
understand and accept their feelings as normal. In addition to feelings like
anger, sadness, and fear, children who are still learning how to name feelings may
experience shame. It is vital to always emphasize that all feelings are normal
and okay, that they are not bad because they are jealous or angry. And you may
need to remind them that they didn’t cause any of this.
2.
Picture their fears. Help children visualize their
fears and understand that there are many ways they can picture their families.
Knowing what may happen next is an essential part of children’s development and
can go a long way to help them walk through their fears.
3.
File memories. When we can put memories down on paper, they
can become more real. We can use our memories to see how sometimes things
change but they can be good. Or they can be bad and we know we survived bad
memories.
4.
Get to know their new family members. There are many fun and engaging ways children
can learn about their new families: making a video, interviewing them, compare
likes and dislikes. Often, it’s the unknown that is the biggest monster in the
closet.
5.
Identify what changes they do not like and what changes turn out
to be good. When children can name the changes they do
not like, they are able to express their feelings about specific things, rather
than reacting negatively to an overwhelming, frustrating situation.
6.
Their families are adding, not subtracting. Divorce and family changes often create a
great sense of loss. It is important for children to understand that they are
not losing anybody they love. Their families are growing, but mom and dad
aren’t disappearing.
7.
Talk to someone they trust. Not only can children learn more about how
they feel and how to react when they talk it out, they learn that they can tell
uncomfortable things to someone who will not judge them and who can help them
feel safe. This is vital for children, especially if the changes they
experience are accompanied by abuse.
Every person is different, every
feeling different. We all react in different ways to overwhelming feelings. By
focusing on individual parts of a whole, we can eat the elephant one bite at a
time, so to speak. We can get to the root of our anger, sadness, or fear, and
suddenly all these big feelings we have don’t feel so big.
There are so many ways to help
children through such life changes. I’ve outlined a few here, but I have
created some practical activities you can share with children ages 6 to 10 in
the activity book Twice the Love. It’s important to help children
visualize in a very real way what they feel and need, and this activity book
uses art and writing activities that can help children understand what they are
feeling, how they are reacting, and what their role is.
Here are
some ways you might use this activity book with a student:
(*) Send a book home with parents when they
request help (this is one of the most effective ways to use them with students).
(*) After a counseling session, hand one to
students and have them work in it independently.
(*) Use it as part of your individual
counseling sessions (do a couple pages each session).
(*) Print them and select certain pages to
work with students or small groups.
(*) Make selected activities be a part of a
whole class lesson (i.e. teach lesson about self-confidence then give each
student their own book).
(*) After sessions with students, have a
folder where they complete five pages and then during next week’s session
discuss those five. Give them another five until they complete the entire book.
Download
your copy from my Teachers Pay Teachers store HERE.